The talk
by EverLastingXLove
Summary: Edward and Bella try to give Nessie the talk but fail so all the Cullen's give it a try. I DO NOT OWN TWILIGHT OR ANY OF THE CHARACTERS!
1. Edward and Bella gives Nessie the talk

As Edward and Bella sat happily on the couch together waiting for their daughter to come home Bella turned to Edward and placed a kiss on his cheek.

"I'm glad Renesmee is happy….Jake will be good for her" Bella smiled.

"Yes….even though she smells like a werewolf… when she comes home…I'm glad she's happy" Edward chuckled.

Then they heard the sound of a motorcycle come up their drive way and they looked toward the window and seen Renesmee and Jake kissing.

"Edward…..when are we going to give her the talk?" Bella frowned.

"The talk?…..um….I guess we could do it…tonight" Edward said nervously.

Bella nodded then Renesmee came into the room.

"Hey Renesmee did you have fun with Jake?" Bella asked.

"Yea! We went to the movies" Renesmee smiled as she walked over to greet her parents. Then she looked around.

"Where is everyone?" she asked curiously.

"They are all out hunting" Edward smiled.

"Oh"

"Renesmee have a seat….we um would like to talk to you…." Edward said.

Renesmee nodded and sat by her parents and looked at them curiously.

"We…um noticed….you and Jake have been very….close lately…." Bella started then she looked at Edward for help.

"Well….have…um…well….has Jacob ever….er….." Edward stuttered then he patted Renesmee's shoulder. "Be safe" he said.

Renesmee looked up at him confused.

"Be safe? ….Jake is a good driver…" Renesmee said in confusion.

"Yes he is…why don't you go on up to bed?" Bella smiled nervously.

"Ok goodnight" Renesmee smiled as she gave her parents a hug and went up stairs.

"This is harder than it looks…." Bella frowned.

"Why don't we have Carlisle and Esme talk to her?" Edward asked.

"That's a good idea….Carlisle is a doctor after all….he is use to this type of stuff" Bella smiled.

Then finally the others came home from hunting then Bella and Edward walked up to Carlisle and Esme.

"Carlisle…Esme…can you help us?" Bella asked.

"Sure what do you need?" Esme asked happily.

"Well…we tried to give the talk to Renesmee …but it didn't work out so well….so we were wondering if you two can talk to her?" Bella asked hopefully.

"The talk? You mean like the birds and the bees?" Esme asked.

"Yes.." Bella nodded.

The Carlisle let out a laugh and put his arm around Esme.

"We will talk to her don't worry" he smiled.

"Thank you" Bella and Edward said with a sigh of relief.


	2. Carlisle and Esme's turn

Carlisle and Esme made their way up the Renesmee's room once they got to her door they knocked.

"Come in" Renesmee said in a bell like voice.

Then they slowly entered the room and smiled at their granddaughter who was watching TV.

"Hello dear how are you this evening?" Carlisle asked.

"Good" Renesmee smiled.

"That's good….there is something Esme and I would like to talk to you about" he said.

"What is it?" she asked confused.

"Well…we wanted to talk to you about…love" he said as they sat on her bed.

"Love?" she asked.

"Yes…..you see Renesmee when two people love each other….they um give each other a special hug…..and that hug…make's a baby…" Esme said.

Renesmee stared at them in confusion. _What are they talking about? _

"What Esme said is true…..but I will try to explain in more of a medical way …..ehem….well …sex…..it can be taken in two ways….as in gender…like female and male…..and the other….is a um ….a action….two people…..in love…perform…." he said awkwardly. Then he stared at Renesmee's hopelessly confused face then he let out a sigh.

"You know what ….lets just leave it at a hug…like Esme said….so um do you understand what we are trying to say?" Carlisle asked.

"Um…yea I guess…" Renesmee said confused.

"Ok good…well um enjoy your TV" Carlisle smiled as he and Esme kissed her on the forehead and left her room.

As they were walking down the hall Carlisle let out a sigh.

"I don't think we explained it well…." he sighed.

"Well why don't we get….Emmett and Rosalie to explain to her?…..I think she would understand it better from them " Esme suggested.

"Good idea" Carlisle smiled as he and Esme set off to find them.

Then they finally found Rosalie and Emmett in the living room Emmett was watching football as always and Rosalie was looking threw a fashion magazine.

"WOO GO GATORS!" Emmett cheered.

"Emmett, Rosalie?" Carlisle called

Then their heads shot up and Emmett muted the TV.

"Yes?" they said in unison.

"We would like you to have the talk with Renesmee" Esme said.

"The talk?" Emmett said awkwardly.

"Oh this will be fun! Just like playing house!" Rosalie smiled.

"I don't know….wont it be kinda weird?" Emmett asked.

"Just talk to her like we would our children if we had any! It will be easy! We will do it!" Rosalie smiled as she pulled Emmett up stairs.


	3. Rosalie and Emmett's turn

As Rosalie eagerly pulled Emmett up stairs he stopped her when they reached Renesmee's room.

"Rose I have no idea what to say!" he frowned.

"I told you just explain it like you would to our child if we had any" Rosalie smiled as she caressed his face.

"But Rose…" he groaned.

"No buts!" Rosalie said sternly as she knocked on Renesmee's door.

"It's us can we come in?" Rosalie asked.

"Sure" Renesmee smiled.

"We have something we want to talk to you about" Rosalie said as she and Emmett took a seat on Renesmee's bed. Then Emmett stared at the floor blankly then Rosalie elbowed him in the ribs.

"Oh um…..ok…uh….sex…it's …like ..um football!" Emmett said awkwardly.

"EM! KEEP IT PG!" Rosalie hissed in his ear.

"Oh um right….sorry….uh….ok so how about this…when a mommy bear…..and a daddy bear….really love each other….they uh….go into a cave…..and uh…..they do this thing called ….."**Hibernation**"…" Emmett said nervously as he put air quotes around the word hibernation. "and then uh…..the mommy bear….tells the daddy bear….that she got knocked up…..and they were going to have a cub….and the daddy….bear is like very happy….so they have victory "**Hibernation**" …..and then…the mommy bear starts to have mood swings….and complains her back…and feet hurt….and she starts eating weird stuff…..like pickles and ice cream…..and then nine months later the cub…pop's…out of her….ehem….kangaroo pouch?" Emmett explained nervously.

"What?" Renesmee asked confused.

"Uhhhh…Rose your turn!" Emmett blurted out nervously.

Rosalie looked at Renesmee and then back at Emmett _Crap I have no idea what to say!_…

"Um….uh…Renesmee use a condom!" Rosalie blurted out and Emmett tried to suppress his laughter.

"Well um this talk was nice….so we'll see you later" Rosalie smiled as she pulled Emmett out of the room.

"HEY NESSIE WATCH THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL YOU'LL UNDERSTAND MORE!" Emmett called out as he shut her door. Then Rosalie turned to him angrily.

"A KANGAROO POUCH REALLY?" she yelled as she swatted him arm .

"What? You said keep it PG " he laughed.

"We didn't explain any thing at all! And we promised Carlisle and Esme!" Rosalie frowned.

"Relax Rose lets just have Jasper and Alice do it" Emmett said.

"Good idea! Come on lets go find them!" Rosalie said as she pulled Emmett with her.

Once they finally found them Alice was sitting on the bottom of the stair case with Jasper's head in her lap.

"Alice Jasper! We need you help!" Rosalie called.

"I knew you were going to ask me for help….what is it?" Alice asked.

"Its about Renesmee" Emmett said. Then Jasper's head shot up.

"Is is ok?" he asked concerned.

"Yes she's fine…we just need you to give her the talk" Emmett chuckled.

"The talk as in sex talk?" Alice asked.

"Yea….good luck!" Rosalie smiled as she and Emmett ran out into the forest with vampire speed.

"Well….lets get this over with shall we?" Jasper sighed as he helped Alice up.


	4. Jasper and Alice's turn

As Jasper and Alice walked toward Renesmee's room Alice stopped with a blank look on her face then Jasper shook her.

"Alice…what do you see?" he asked.

"This is going to…go badly" Alice sighed.

"Well lets give it a try anyway" Jasper said as he knocked on Renesmee's door.

"Come in" Renesmee sighed. _Why is everyone coming to my room trying to talk to me about sex? _she thought angrily.

"Howdy Renesmee" Jasper smirked.

"Hi Jasper….Alice" Renesmee smiled feeling suddenly peaceful.

"We would …um like to have a talk with you" Jasper said as he and Alice joined Renesmee on the floor.

"It seem everyone wants to have a talk with me" Renesmee sighed.

"Yes…well we promise ours will make sense" Alice laughed.

"Yes…um anyways…..sex…is a thing….you should never…do….because….you will become…a whore…like the girls in my day….they worked at a saloon….and they would have sex with anyone….that's bad….and there are men too who will sleep with every girl they see….that uh makes them man whore's …that's why you wait till your married…..and be a one horse cowgirl…..and only…do that with your husband…" Jasper said nervously.

"Where you a man whore Jasper?" Renesmee asked.

"M-me?…uh….well…umm…..no….Alice…is the only gal for me…" Jasper said. _I am a man whore….stupid Maria…_

"That's right Renesmee….so um …don't be like one of those girls with a poor sense of fashion that stand on the corner…..be a very good girl…..and um….yep….so I think that's about it" Alice smiled awkwardly as she stood up next to Jasper.

"So uh Renesmee what did you learn today?" he asked.

"Don't be a whore?" Renesmee said confused.

"Right good girl…..see uh…told you you'd learn something" he smiled as he and Alice walked out of the room.

"Jazz….she didn't learn a thing….you were just babbling" Alice sighed.

"I know….but I covered if up good right? By asking her what she learned?" he asked nervously.

"Yes that was very smart of you" Alice smiled as she kissed his cheek.

Then they ran into Edward and Bella.

"So we heard you were giving her the talk?" Edward asked.

"Yes….it didn't really work well" Alice frowned.

"We're sorry we couldn't be of any help to you" Jasper frowned.

"It's ok I have an idea" Bella smiled.

"What would that be?" Edward asked.

"We have my dad give her the talk" Bella smiled.

"Your dad? Are you sure?" Edward asked.

"Yes he did a good job explaining it to me" Bella said

"Ok…we can give it a try" Edward smiled.


	5. Charlie's EPIC FAIL!

The next morning Bella called her dad to tell him about their little problem.

"Hello?" said a husky voice.

"Hi dad it's Bella"

"Oh hey Bells how are you?" he asked happily.

"Not so well…Edward and I have been trying to give Renesmee the talk" Bella sighed.

"The Talk why?" he asked.

"Well….Jake and her …have been really close lately" Bella said.

"Oh…..dose she know Jake is a w-werewolf?" he asked nervously.

"Yes"

"And uh dose Jake know you guys are….uh …v-vampires?" he asked.

"Yes.." Bella sighed.

"Oh ok….well uh so how's the talk going?" he asked.

"Badly….every one in the house tired and we end up getting very nervous and not making any sense" Bella frowned.

"See not so easy is it" he chuckled.

"No it's not…..so I was wondering if you can do it?" Bella asked hopefully.

"M-me? Oh no Bells you have to do that on your own" Charlie said.

"C'mon please dad!" Bella begged.

"Fine….I cant say no to you….bring her over" he sighed.

"Thank you! I love you dad see you soon!" Bella smiled.

"Love you too kid" Charlie sighed as he hanged up the phone.

Then Bella happily turned to Edward.

"He'll do it!" she grinned.

"Great!" Edward smiled.

Then Renesmee came down stairs.

"What's great?" she asked.

"How would you like to go see grandpa today?" Bella asked.

"Ok! I haven't seen him in a while" Renesmee smiled.

"Come on lets go" Bella smiled as Renesmee, Edward and her got in the car.

Once they finally got to Charlie's house Bella turned to Renesmee and smiled.

"Have fun we will pick you up later" Bella smiled.

"Kay" Renesmee grinned as she ran up to hug Charlie.

"Grandpa!" she squealed as she gave him a tight hug.

"Hey Nessie" he smiled as he wave to Edward and Bella. "C'mon lets go in side it's chilly out here" he smiled as Renesmee followed him into the house.

Then she sat quietly on the couch and Charlie sat across from her in his favorite arm chair.

"Your watching baseball?" she asked.

"Yea" he said nervously.

"Is it any good?" she asked.

"No…we're losing" Charlie frowned.

"Oh"

"So Nessie….your mom brought you here…so I can have a little talk with you…" he said awkwardly.

"Oh…uh ok" Renesmee sighed _Great him too now? _

"Ok…well your parents noticed….you and…Jake….have been getting very…uh…intimate lately ….….and y'know they just want the best for you….so I'll explain….what and what not to do…..uh how do I explain this…..um hold on a minute" he said as he nervously got up and went up stairs.

Then a few minute's later he came down with two Barbie's and sat back down.

"Why do you have Barbie's?" Renesmee asked.

"Oh uh…they were your mother's when she was little…..uh anyway….you two should not do much than kissing" he said as he made the two Barbie's kiss.

"I don't want any of this kinky crap….like this!" he said as he put the Barbie's in a position " oooo yaaa! Uhhh Barbie yess! oooo ohhhh yea Ken like that! ! Ughhh ahhhhhhhh!" he yelled as he made the Barbie go in many positions.

Renesmee stared at Charlie like she might puke _What is going on! _she thought.

"And Nessie….never do this move" he said as she put the Barbie's in another position "This is the worst one of them all" he said with a serious look then he pull the Barbie's apart "So um….do you kind of get it?" he asked.

"Uh…um y-yes" she stuttered.

"Good…." he said awkwardly.

"So uh….why did you get so into it like that?" Renesmee asked out of curiosity.

"Sorry I didn't mean too…..I've ….uh been really lonely….since your grandmother left me…." he said.

"Oh…" she whispered _EW! So he's a dirty old pervert? _she thought in disgust.

"So uhhh do you wan some peach cobbler? I have some left over from yesterday?" he asked trying to change the subject.

"S-sure" Renesmee stuttered.

"Ok" Charlie said as he set the Barbie's aside and they both walked to the kitchen. After they ate their peach cobbler Bella and Edward came to pick Renesmee up.

"Uh….b-bye grandpa" she said as she gave him a sideways hug.

"Bye Nessie I'm glad I can help!" he smiled as he watched his granddaughter get into the car. Then Bella turned around.

"So how did your talk go?" Bella asked.

"I…uh…I…um I'm at loss of words" Renesmee stuttered.

"That bad?" Edward asked.

Renesmee sighed and put her hand's on Edward and Bella's arms to show them what she experienced when she pulled her hands away. Edward and Bella's expression were shocked and disgusted.

"I'm sorry Renesmee I didn't know he was going to pull out the Barbie's again!" Bella apologized.

"It's fine mom….uh can Jake come over?" she asked.

"Yes that's fine" Edward and Bella smiled.

"Thanks" Renesmee muttered as she shuddered when she remembered what Charlie said.


	6. Jacob's Success!

When they finally got home Renesmee saw Jake standing outside and she ran into his arms to give him a big hug.

"Jake!" she smiled.

"Hey Nessie I missed you!" Jake smiled as he gave her a heart melting kiss.

"I've missed you too" Renesmee blushed.

"So how's your day been?" he asked.

"I ..I don't know…let's just say I'm scarred for life" she shuttered.

"Scarred for life why?" he chuckled.

"Grandpa Charlie tried to give me the talk"

"Hahah Charlie? That's great" Jake laughed.

"Shut up it's not funny!" she cried.

Then they walked into her house and he turned to Bella.

"So you've been trying to give her the talk?" Jake whispered.

"Yes….it's not going so well" she frowned.

"Bells I'm her boyfriend I think it would be easer for me to give her the talk" Jake said.

"I suppose your right" Bella said then they heard a growl rip from Edward's chest.

"Don't worry Edward I'm not thinking what your thinking ….I'm just going to talk to her" Jake sighed.

"You better dog" Edward snarled.

Jake rolled his eyes and walked up stairs with Renesmee.

"Did you realize everyone has been trying to give you the sex talk for the past two days?" Jake chuckled.

"That's what they were doing?" Renesmee asked shocked.

"Yea…I told your mom I will give you the talk….but I'm not really going to be talking I'm going to be showing you" Jake said.

"What?" Renesmee blushed.

"Not like that stupid" Jake laughed as he flicked her nose and walked over to her computer and started typing in stuff till he pulled up a video.

"Ok now sit here and watch this" he said as he laid on her bed and stared at the ceiling.

"Ok?" Renesmee said confused as she sat down and pressed pay. Then words came up on the screen which read: _Curious Vibrations _.

"Curious Vibrations?" Renesmee read confused.

"Just shut up and watch it" Jake sighed.

"Ok, ok" Renesmee said as she turned her attention back to the screen. Then her eyes widened.

"JAKE THIS IS A PORNO!" she yelled.

"I know" he smirked.

"WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME WATCH THIS?" she said as she pressed pause.

"To help you understand what sex is!" he said as he sat up.

"I already know what it is! I don't need a video!" she blushed.

"Ok" Jake laughed as he exited out of the web sight.

Then they both walked down stairs hand in hand and Bella looked up at them hopefully.

"How'd it go?" she asked.

"Good" Jake smiled proudly.

"Mom I already knew what sex was you didn't need to explain" Renesmee said.

"Oh ok" Bella said with a sigh of relief.

"Out of curiously how did you explain?" Bella asked.

"I've been more of a visual learner so I show her a porno" Jake smirked.

"YOU MADE MY DAUGHTER WATCH A PORNO?" Bella snarled.

"Relax Bells" Jake laughed.

"WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?" she shirked.

"What? that's how my dad tough me!" Jake yelled.

"Guys stop fighting please" Renesmee sighed.

"Sorry" Jake muttered then he turned to Renesmee "So are you ready to go?" he asked.

"Go where?" Edward asked.

"Oh we have a movie date" Renesmee smiled.

"Ok have fun" Edward smiled.

"We will bye mom bye dad" Renesmee smiled as she and Jake walked out of the house hand in hand.

"We should of thought of a video in the first place" Edward sighed.

"Edward!" Bella laughed as they snuggled up on the couch together and waited for their daughter's return.

The End.


End file.
